why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
