you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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