I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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