she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
