Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
