First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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