Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
