Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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