So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
