It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
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Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
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I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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