Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy