I'm fucking your sister right now.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
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It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
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Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.