So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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