she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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