When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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