Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
