Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
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I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize