Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
