Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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