Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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