I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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