So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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