Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
