She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
