Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
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I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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