where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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