why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
