This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
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There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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