I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
