So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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