1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
