What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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