It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
