Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Randomize
