Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
