well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Actions speak louder than pants.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
