The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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