i jhust puked up my retainher.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
