I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
