These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
