I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
