my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
