haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wish you could order shots online.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
