You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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