I met the friendliest cop last night
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
