Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
