I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
