No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
