he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
