I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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