Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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