Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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