So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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