I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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