i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
