Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
