How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
