Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think a kid would responsible me up
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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