I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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